we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
