Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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