If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
