This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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