This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
