I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
