somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
this is an emotional support booty call
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
