i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
As shirtless as possible
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
