haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
