We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
