my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
