so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
