On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
