If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
