If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
