How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
