Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
