I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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