I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
