operation harelip BJ is a go
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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