remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
