Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
