That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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