have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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