how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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