I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
