literally had 100 drinks last night.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
