I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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