Only a mothe r could love this liver
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
