i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
