I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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