I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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