nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
