I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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