I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
