Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
are you so shy because you have an std?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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