Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
