She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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