I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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