Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
