I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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