Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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