I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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