Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
