I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
and she was petting her beer can
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
