you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
