you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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