woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
