So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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