I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
