you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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