I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
