Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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