hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
