And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
