she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
