He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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