I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
