You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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