People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
